FeelMyBones

'Personally i'd love to write an account of my life, but do i really want to visit the dark places my life has previously been? I want to look forward, hope, dream and truely live and does recounting stages of your life allow you to do that? I don't know, theraputic but possibly damaging and soul destroying. maybe aspects of my life in a fictional novel. Very much like the one i am in the process of writing very slowly. I write it slowly because i want to watch my writing skills grow then manipulate and change the story, secretly, this is the novel i want to be published, because it brushes on my life with so many similarities - it allows the philosophical and trials and tribulations of life to be questioned...and then it faces that one true dillema, is everything worth it in the end? or is life, worth nothing? Which i truely find intriguing because i often argue that life is important, that we should live it to the best, but like everyone i have my doubts. I;ve never been suicidal but i think, if i leave, if i were to kill myself right now, what would change? && ofcourse i know many things would change, specific people would not be born, my mum would live a long depressed life, my friends would suffer and my future partner, would probably marry someone else. All there lives that we all touch and don't realise, all the people we influence, we won't be able to influence. What if my child were to save someone in 20yrs time, because they became a successful counciller, but because i died never allowing them to be born the other person died? Butterfly effect. Everything does matter. but in the short term, everything seems so insignificant.'

I recently write this in an email to a friend, it wasn't an email holding the specifics of what he asked, but i found myself being introspective and enjoyed trying to understand myself a little better. Ofcourse i have previously tried to write a blog but find that people aren't interested. Blogs re supposed to go somewhere right? - There has to be something special, somekind of catch. Something a little deeper, give you a glimpse of something more than just the author. I don't know, all i know is that i want to somehow capture an essence of me and send it into cyberspace, a memory of my forever imrinted on the web. Now that's what i call living forever.

I can't sit here and spill out everything about me, i can't tell you who i am, because i'm 18, i'm still leanring, i'm still growing. I've had happiness, i've had pain. I'm unique, but in reality i am the same as every other person you know. I am even a little bit like you. i can be nice, i can have moments where i seem heartless and cold but underneath it all, i'm just this girl, who's trying to understand the world and find her way through it.

I cannot sit here and promise you writing an thoughts that i cannot provide, but i can promise to bring myself to these words, and if that's enough - then click on 'friend' and add me. I like to talk.
Yours,
Sabs.